Mr Pink: Breaking the Bondage of Either/Or

Victoria: Well, you're right. I'm terrible. I know I'm terrible. I look at the mirror and I'm ashamed. Maybe I should quit. I just can't seem to do anything right.

Joe Gideon: Listen. I can't make you a great dancer. I don't even know if I can make you a good dancer. But, if you keep trying and don'tquit, I know I can make you a better dancer. I'd like very much to do that. Stay?

Victoria: Are you going to keep yelling at me?

Joe Gideon: Probably

-- Bob Fosse/Joe Gideon(played by Roy Schieder) in ALL THAT JAZZ.

So often I have used a variation of that line with my children.

And, it has worked!!

I recently saw an interview with the guy who wrote, "Blind Faith." It was about a black boy going no where fast with very few options who was later adopted by a wealthy, white family. And, while it breaks my heart that it had to be a WHITE family who really helped this boy,
that's the fact.

But, this story is really about the power of nurture over nature. And I yammer on about that all the time. It's no secret that Bob and I took children who had experienced severe nutritional, intellectual stimulation, and emotional support deficits and helped them become two incredible, healthy, smart, and centered people, just by providing some basic stability, some good nutrition, some boundaries and some love. And, when I work with my children, I often say, "I don't know if I can make you great, but I do know I can make you better!"

And, now I wonder how often kids hear that. It seems like the options are either success or failure - no middle ground -- no chance to be rewarded for improvement. Kids are either 'great' or a 'disappointment.' That's what the kids see anyway -- that's how kids perceive their worth.

The Mountain Philosopher chimes in:

I totally agree with the sentiments of Mr. Pink here. As a teacher, I see that for so many students, they either see themselves as complete successes or complete failures -- they either see no need for growth or no possibility for the same. So many of my high achievers are intensely risk-averse -- they can't bear the thought that they might be less than stellar at something. And many low-achieving students, having accepted this devastating either/or paradigm, won't try, as a they want to relegate themselves to the "failure" bin.

Nothing is more rewarding to this teacher as getting the straight-A kid to see possibilities for growth and to throw caution to the wind in order to try new things. And nothing is more rewarding than to get the kid with low self-esteem to start to acquire new found analytical skills and knowledge and beam with pride when she's able to go toe-to-toe with the class star in an argument.