Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Pimp My Kid: Cocaine & Pole Dancing...You Know...For Kids

I think I have the raw material to germinate for the next Coen Brother's flick: a high-caffeine drink labled Cocaine and a strip-tease accessory/toy/sport's equipment gizmo, both aimed at the kids' market.

From the Daily Mail:

The high-energy drink is being billed as a "legal alternative" to the class A drug, using a massive hit of caffeine instead of cocaine.


The drink's inventor, Jamie Kirby, said: "It's an energy drink, and it's a fun name. As soon as people look at the can, they smile."


Mr Raynes added: "The fact is that subliminally, it is making the image of drug use cool and that's what kids what to be, cool.

"Kids will be drinking Cocaine and will inevitably link the two. The drink is relatively innocuous, but they will be linking it with cocaine use and the market, which is far from innocuous."


The company has received inquiries about selling Cocaine in Britain and throughout Europe. At the moment it is being sold only in the Los Angeles and New York metropolitan areas - mainly to teenagers.

It's a "fun name?" It won't be high schoolers for the most part who will be drinking this crap -- it will be the middle-schoolers passing it around on the bus, catching a serious caffeine and sugar buzz, and then come into their class bouncing off the walls. Once they get to high school, they'll want, and will be able to score, the real deal, or more likely, score some meth. Now, that would really be a cool name for a soft drink Meth -- "Gets you buzzed and rots your teeth just like the real thing." Mmmmmm.

And of course, Little Sally will want a way to burn off those extra Cocaine calories. If her step daddy really loves her, then he can show his love with just a web click, thanks to toy site Tesco's recent offering of the Peekaboo Pole.

Also from the Daily Mail:

The Tesco Direct site advertises the kit {in their toy section} with the words, "Unleash the sex kitten inside...simply extend the Peekaboo pole inside the tube, slip on the sexy tunes and away you go!

"Soon you'll be flaunting it to the world and earning a fortune in Peekaboo Dance Dollars".

The £49.97 kit comprises a chrome pole extendible to 8ft 6ins, a 'sexy dance garter' and a DVD demonstrating suggestive dance moves.


Tesco today agreed to remove the product from the Toy section of the site, but said it will remain on sale as a Fitness Accessory, despite the fact that the product description invites users to "unleash the sex kitten inside".

Also on sale on the Tesco website is a strip poker game, "Peekaboo Poker" which is illustrated by a picture of a reclining woman in underwear.

The card game is is described as a game that "risks the risque and brings a whole lot of naughtiness to the table.

"Played with a unique pack of Peekaboo Boy and Girl playing cards, the aim of the game is to win as many Peekaboo chips as possible and turn them into outrageously naughty fun."

The pole dance kit is the latest item to fuel allegations that major retailers increasingly sell products which "sexualise" young children such as T-shirts with suggestive messages.

In recent years Asda was forced to remove from sale pink and black lace lingerie, including a push-up bra to girls as young as nine.

Next had to remove t-shirts on sale for girls as young as six with the slogan "so many boys, so little time."

And BHS and others came under fire for selling padded bras embellished with a "Little Miss Naughty" logo and t-shirts with a Playboy-style bunny that said "I love boys...They are stupid."

Tesco last night denied the pole dancing kit was sexually oriented and said it was clearly marked for "adult use".

If that Tesco spokesman could say that last bit with a straight face, then Denny Hastert might want to hire him. Notice the Monopoly money in the ad pic. What "adult" would want to play with phony money? Uh huh.

"That's it darlin', you dancin' really nice fer Uncle Diddly, that's it baby, now swing over here and let me give you a Benjamin in yer garter. Did you open yer Lap Dance kit yet, sweetie?"

I know they sell thongs for six year olds. Might as well get 'em a pole. How else they gonna make the double-wide payment? Getcha a six-pack of that there Cocaine and you can pole-dance all night. Just like the big girls.

Let's all Pimp Our Kids, after all, they're just another plaything like a car or a living room.